(Not As Hard As Assault on Mount Mitchell)

David Stinnett, May 1999

First let me say that I’m not a natural climber. My true talent is coasting. I drop like a stone. Unfortunately I have to climb up hills in order show off this talent. When I’m going up, I usually feel like my bike is made of lead and my tires are flat. I keep looking down to make sure I’ve really got it in the small chainring. I will never be mistaken for Marco Pantani.. So it is with a slight sense of dread that I look forward to the annual NAHAAMM ride. Last year it hurt like hell. This year I’m no more ready than before. I know I will suffer. I also know it will be the best ride of the year!

When the group gets to the foot of the climb, it is important to make everyone else slow down to your speed. That way you don’t look so bad and you are not as demoralized. Try striking up a good conversation. Of course, you want to let everyone else do the talking. Just nod like you are interested and try not to show that you are in extreme pain. Look off to the side like you are really interested in the scenery. Hiding your distress is important because you don’t want your partners to know you are vulnerable. I practice hammering my thumb and laughing at the same time. It also helps to take a handful of Advil right before you jump on the bike.

Two years ago was the first time I rode up to the dome. It was a warm spring day – at least at the bottom. By the time I got to Newfound Gap, I could see my breath but I felt comfortable despite the fact that I was wearing shorts and a short sleeve mesh jersey. A couple of miles later, a thick haze blocked out the warmth of the sun. Ice crystals were blowing from the tree limbs and shot-peening my face. When I finally got to the parking lot at the top, my thermometer read 39 degrees. I put on my arm warmers and a wind breaker. It didn’t help. No time to rest or look at the view. As I headed down, I started to shake so bad I couldn’t steer straight. I thought the ride down was going to be fun but instead I was too miserable from the chill of the wind rushing by me. I could just barely make out the speed on my computer through tearing eyes. When I reached Sugarland Visitors Center, I started to thaw out because the temperature was still in the 70s. I limped into the center to sign the LAB log book behind the desk. Here you will find my summary of the ride. COLD.

How do you measure the quality of a climb. Here are a few suggestions that I stole from the KOM (King of the Mountain) email group. Enjoy

Scenery

1. If there are views, add 1 point.
2. If there are views and you can actually see them on the day you do the climb, add 1 point.
3. If there are views, but you are suffering so much you can't see them, subtract 2 points.

Difficulty

4. If the descent is so much fun you laugh out loud or you squeal with pleasure, add 1 point.
5. If the descent is a white-knuckle encounter with your own mortality or you scream in terror, deduct 1 point. (There is a fine line between D and E!)
6. If you pass any cars on the descent, add 1 point for each one passed. Corvettes (Ferrari, Porsche, etc. depending on where you live) count as double points. Yugo's count as no points (unless you pass them while riding with a flat tire...).
7. Add 1 point if you get a front wheel flat on the descent at any speed exceeding 30 mph. Add 2 points if you live to tell about it. Bonus point added for breaking the posted speed limit on the descent.

Competition

8. If you make it to the top before your riding partner, add 1point.
9. If you ride the entire climb side by side with your riding partner and then pip him/her at the last second for the KOM win, apologize and then add 1 point!
10. If you encounter any high altitude fauna, e.g. mountain goats, pika, chamonix, bighorn sheep, fully kitted mountain climbers, add 1 point.
11. If you encounter any overweight, camera-wielding tourists that walked up, deduct 1 point.

Reputation

12. If there are famous cyclist's names painted on the road, add 1 point.
13. If your name is painted on the road, add 2 points.
14. If you painted your own name on the road, deduct 3 points.
15. Add 1 point if you get asked at the summit, "did you climb all the way up here on your bike? Look Martha, this guy climbed all the way up here on his bike...geezus!" (Tennessee version: You 'rowed' up that hollar? Dang, mah corr kin barhly mek it up that thang.) Please deflate ego before descent.